5. Chelsea speaks her mind: On “perfection”

Chelsea is a Grade 12 student from the Philippines. She is passionate about reading and writing, traveling and photography. (Head to the Gallery to meet her!)

Alison: Hi, Chelsea! Could you tell us something about yourself?

Chelsea: My name is Chelsea Mae Yya Rivera and I am currently a Grade 12 senior high school student in Iloilo, Philippines, studying Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics (STEM). In five months, I will complete my high school days and proceed to college. I definitely aim to attend a pre-medical university, hopefully my dream medical school. Since 4th grade, I’ve known that I want to become a doctor. But first, I have to navigate my last senior year, haha!

I love reading and writing. For me, doing that while sipping a cup of coffee makes the perfect combination. And the smell of books and coffee combined is amazing and I’m very addicted to it. I love eating, I mean, who doesn’t? I also love traveling. Everytime I explore places, I take thousands of photos. It seems like my heart is imprinted on every place I visit. Moreover, I love photography. That explains why I love to organize my Instagram feed well and add some nice and cute captions. My other pastimes include watching movies, American TV series, K-dramas and anime. Oh, I love so many things, right? I wonder if there is someone out there who shares the same interests.

Alison: Well, I must say, we have a lot in common. So, let’s talk about the concept of “perfection”, what it means to you and how it has affected you.

Chelsea: I’m not trying to brag but I am a high-achiever. In some way, I have experienced what it is like to be in a “perfect” world with “perfect” people. Accordingly, I needed to be perfect to fit in that kind of world. No flaw, no sign of imperfection. At first, I did. But as time went by, I felt sad and depressed. I struggled with my emotions, thinking that I was fooling myself. After a while, I realized that I was really just pretending. In that seemingly perfect world, everything was an illusion.

In this generation, many teenagers are living in a world with high expectations that exerts a lot of pressure on them. In order to be “perfect”, one has to reach the impossible peak of a mountain. Once you arrive at the destination, you are welcome in the world of “perfection”. As a hiker, after completing the hardest climb, you are now at the top and enjoying the amazing view from above. It’s worth it, isn’t? No hiker will hesitate to enter that world. No hiker will go back to the bottom of the mountain. But that hiker does not know some consequences yet.

I want to narrate my experience with “perfection”, how I was happy about it for a while, how I struggled with it and how I overcame the negative effects of this “perfect” world that I am talking about. I want this to be your inspiration. I want to tell you it is not too late to stop pretending to be somebody that you are not.

Alison: Wow, that sounds powerful. I remember we had a conversation before during which you mentioned your transition from being a perfectionist achiever to a student leader. Can you tell us your story?

Chelsea: I once lived in a world full of high expectations wherein excellence is not a choice, it’s compulsory. Reaching for High Distinction is hard but being persistent about it is even harder. I used to thrive under excessive pressure and strive for perfection. I chose to settle for perfection. I used to claw every step of my way to stay on top. I used to do everything and whatever it took to be the best and the brightest. I once believed that being good was not really enough, I had to be the best. I had to be perfect for all the people who were expecting too much from me. It was all about being the perfect achiever, the perfect daughter, and even the perfect friend.

Perfection came with pressure and that pressure fuelled me. It is ironic something that could be damaging kept my ego in check as it ran through my veins. It had a special ability to keep me sane and grounded in my overly competitive world. As a consistent Honors student, pressure was a constant weight on my shoulders yet it was also a great way to relieve tension. Every score and every grade really mattered to me. The more pressure I allowed to consume me, the more competitive I became. Little did I know that it would also betray me.

Alison: What do you mean by pressure betraying you?

Chelsea: In elementary school, I showed some talent in writing and started to engage in different writing competitions. I love writing as much as I love reading, I always have. Writing and reading have become a part of my everyday life, they are my oxygen, something I can’t live without. I mostly read mystery novels and write poetry about love and life. I always find a way to write about broken hearts because it is like the scent of one’s favorite perfume, it has an evoking function. I suppose my ultimate goal is to write a novel one day. And as a perfectionist, I believe in having a goal and working hard for it.

I still involve in writing competitions. Recently, I started participating in Journalism. I love it every time I represent my school at competitions. It is a huge thing for me that my competitive self is involuntarily urged to win another round of the tournament. I like it when I am announced the winner during Schools Press Conferences. My confidence is boosted each time I win.

But then, there was a period when I had unpleasant feelings of remorse and melancholy on my mind. I feel them whenever my Distinction is going down. These feelings imprison me like a bird in a cage, a chaotic world full of rage. They seem to attach and carve like a permanent tattoo, giving me a hard time to unwind that suffocating feeling. One time, the effects intensified. I thought I was dreaming because I could not feel my feet. I wished it was just an encounter of sleep paralysis as I tried to surrender and give up my desired defeat. I attempted to find even just a glimpse of hope while waiting to hear my name. I was trying to hold onto the rope – the rope of false hope. Eventually, I came to my senses and accepted that this was not for me. I let go of the rope around that amazing, wonderful and marvelous opportunity of “winning”. I lost a contest for the first time. I couldn’t believe it. It was a huge disappointment to my family, my school and most of all, myself.

I felt as though I had too much pressure to be “perfect” contained in me. My hard-won efforts suddenly crumbled to sand. I considered myself as my greatest rival because it seemed like I was just competing with myself. I thought my hard work and effort were not enough, as if there was still a missing piece in the puzzle. I lost myself in the process of an intensive search for that missing piece. The pressure within myself had accumulated to a point that was on the verge of breaking me yet I still believed I had to be “somebody”.

A sudden realisation hit me. No one is perfect. I am not a perfect choice for something, I am not a perfect choice for anything. I spent my whole life chasing perfection. I spent my whole life living in a perfect world with perfect people. Every corner that was supposed to be a victory was actually a defeat. Each checkpoint that I reached should have led me to the right way yet it only revealed that I had chosen the wrong path. That was also an indication of being inadequate, which is perfectly partnered with a word called failure.

Alison: That was a drastic change. How did you process this realisation?

Chelsea: Well, out of nowhere, hope, like a shower of pixie dust, changed my life. Writing became my outlet and it helped me find the missing piece of my puzzle. From being a perfectionist achiever, I became a student leader. I became the Supreme Student Government President of our school. Honestly, I did not feel anything, not even fame nor pride that I got a “fast pass” to good universities.

I saw myself creating and portraying my own mission statement in life, which is to lead and to inspire. Then, I learned the essence of being an achiever in leadership in four things.

First, I should put God at the center of everything and that my faith in Him will never fade. Second, it is in hard work, that I am always doing the best I can, not only to achieve my desires and dreams, but also to be a committed leader, a good example to my whole organisation. Third, wisdom and knowledge are not enough if you do not put your heart in doing the things you love. I love doing things in a fun way and with a light heart. Being serious is not always necessary as it is important to enjoy the things that you love to work on, which can lead to a better result. Lastly, it is normal to feel hurt at times. You can’t get everything you have worked hard for. All the plans you have made for the organization and for the school may not eventually conspire. Surpassing the obstacle of “perfection” led me to realise that I am not alone, that I can rely on others to lift me up and that it is okay to ask for help. Even in my darkest moments of grief and loss, I still persevere as I have made connections.

Alison: I’m glad you had this epiphany and reflection. As we are nearing the end of this interview, could you sum up your experience and your changed view towards the notion of perfection?

Chelsea: I am a work in progress. From my imperfections, I am still learning and growing. I am gradually realising that success is not about never making mistakes. It is about learning from them. I have done things I regret. I have given in to selfishness and vanity. Yet, I have also performed deeds I am proud of. I may not be the perfect choice for anything but I am genuinely happy for all the great things that I have worked for and done as a student leader and as a person.

At first, it was about being perfect. Every decision I made must have been right and every path I took should have lead to the perfect destination. I spent my whole life trying to be perfect but that is just not how life works. Sometimes, the most beautiful things can come from the ugliest of places. Indeed, from the dirt, blooms the flower.

I should face my demons and the meanness inside of me. No matter how badly I want to run and hide, I cannot do it. My capacity is what God has given me and my limitations is who I am, so I need to embrace them. The fact that I have completed this nerve-racking journey is rewarding and fulfilling enough. I learned not to grieve because of the results but to celebrate my spiritual accomplishment. I will keep my chin up and look forward to the next challenge in life. I will always look in the mirror and tell myself, “You are stronger than you think you are.”

Alison: You are stronger than you think you are, indeed. Good luck, Chelsea!

Meet Chelsea at https://www.instagram.com/chelsyariver/?hl=en and read her poems at https://www.wattpad.com/user/chelsyariver!